Unbroken Family

As I was washing the dishes this morning trying to think about what to write for this week's entry, I thought about my family. I think my family came to mind because next weekend, they are coming to my house to celebrate the birthdays of my niece and myself. We always get together to celebrate all our birthdays which I believe is not a common practice for many families. Fortunately, we all get along for the most part but it wasn't always that way in the past.

Let me give you some background on my family. My parents divorced when I was sixteen. Initially, both my parents were hesitant to divorce because of my sisters and I. They had four daughters to consider. But because my sisters and I knew how unhappy they were with each other, we encouraged them to divorce. Thank god they listened to us because they were making us so stressed and miserable. Hence, we became one of those broken families which seem to be more common nowadays. My sisters and I stayed with our dad because my mom felt that he was in a better financial position to take care of us. But we visited our mom often since she found an apartment near us.

My mom and dad were on yelling terms especially when my stepmother came along and lived with us. It was uncomfortable to hear criticisms from your mom about your dad and vice versa. My sisters and I just listened and didn't take sides. However, when my eldest sister was about to get married, the day of her wedding rehearsal, I believe my parents realized that they had to get along if they wanted to maintain some sort of family. Also, I'm sure they were thinking about future grandchildren. Once they decided that they were going to put their bad feelings aside and make the family a priority, our family became closely knit. It didn't happen immediately but gradually through the years and with much effort. Before we knew it, our family became unbroken. My mom remarried but never had more kids. My dad remarried and had two more daughters.

Because of what happened to my family, it made me realize early on that the definition of a family is not restricted to blood relations. A family is a unit of people who love and care about each other whether they are a couple and their close friends, a married couple with a few dogs, adoptive parents and their child as was the case with Augustine, etc. A family does not have to consist of only the traditional husband, wife and children.

When a married couple with kids decide to divorce, ordinarily the mother gets the kids, even though that didn't happen with my sisters and I. My mother's decision to have us live with my dad was for our best interest. It was a selfless act on her part. As we got older, my mother's decision proved to be the right choice for my sisters and I as we were able to finish our education and become independent, responsible individuals. When I was younger, I never even thought about why we didn't live with my mom. I think it was because my sisters and I never felt that our mother neither loved nor wanted us. She always made it a point to see us or call when she hadn't heard from us.

This made me think about married couples with dogs. Who gets the dog if both are attached to it? Does the couple get alternate weekends or does the dog go to the most responsible, financially stable one? I would assume that dogs are treated similar to children with regards to visitation rights without the child support...or do they give "doggie support" also? I wonder...

I really don't know of a married couple who had a dog and decided to divorce. But I do know of a few couples who lived together and shared a dog. Normally, the person who owned the dog before they became a couple kept the dog after the separation. There's a couple that I'm thinking of who lived together and had two dogs. The girlfriend of the couple had a female dog before her boyfriend decided to live with her. They were together for five years in which time they had gotten engaged but never set a date for the wedding. During the fourth year of their relationship, they went to the pound to get another dog to keep the older female dog company. They ended up getting a male dog who blended so well with their family. Unfortunately, the relationship fizzled which gradually happened over the last year. The boyfriend moved out and took the male dog since they had more of a bond. However, every once in awhile the ex-girlfriend would set play dates to see the male dog who she missed very much. Because the older female missed the male dog also, the ex-girlfriend ended up getting another male dog.

I had told Augustine what I was writing about for this week's blog and asked him who he thought should have the dogs if we were to separate. Before he answered me, I told him that I would have all the dogs. And, he agreed.

"Really? Why would you say that?" I asked. I was surprised that he would agree so readily. "Wouldn't you want any of the dogs?"

"Of course, I do," he said. "But you notice things about them that I don't see."

He was right. Augustine doesn't touch the dogs the way I do. I know every bump and abnormality that my dogs have on their body. I pay closer attention to their body language so that I know when they need to go potty, not feeling well, etc. Augustine doesn't notice any of that.

"Would you visit them?" I asked.

"Of course I would. They are my babies too," he said simply.

What I forgot to ask was if he would pay "doggie" support, not that I would ask for it. But I was curious to hear what he would say. He'd probably give me his look that said, "Are you kidding me?"

Even though dogs experience grief and can get stressed from adjusting to just having one human parent, I don't think it's to the same extent to what a child or teenager may feel. I think dogs are so much more adaptable than children of divorced parents. It helps that they are focused on the present that the past doesn't really do much damage to them emotionally. I think what helped my sisters and I was that we were in our late teens and we had each other. Before my parents divorced, my sisters and I weren't very close. But afterwards, we leaned on each other for support which brought us closer together. I know that dogs have the same behavior of supporting each other within the family whether or not they came from the same litter.

In a way, people don't truly see their dogs as children because you never hear people say, "Oh yeah, we're staying together because of George, our pug." They would just divorce and may use poor George as leverage for something which would be similar to using kids to get something from the other person. However, people do stay in unhappy marriages for the sake of their kids. They think it's a sacrifice they have to make for the good of the kids. But they don't realize that they are showing their kids that it's okay to stay in an unhealthy relationship where one or both parents are miserable, distant or cold with each other. What kind of role model is that for a relationship? Even if the parents pretended that things were great between them, kids can see right through the pretense. They know the truth even though they may not want to admit it. How healthy is that for the kids? No one benefits in that situation.

But is it really for the kids that parents don't want to divorce or because of their own fear of change and they just use their kids as an excuse? Change is scary. Based on my experience, the kids don't get any "good" from unhappy parents who stay together. What they do get is uncertainty and wariness. My sisters and I felt and saw what the unhappiness did to my mom more than my dad. We had to be so cautious of our behavior when our parents were around each other. It was dreadful. I am sure it affected my sisters and I in different ways since we all perceive and interpret situations in our own way. But hearing and witnessing your parents argue frequently right in front of you is just awful. Gosh, it's the reason I waited so long to marry because I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a marriage.

People change. Circumstances change. The only thing that stays constant is change. When I was younger, I would hear about people I knew whose parents were divorcing, and I used to think it was terrible. But as I matured and heard my friends talk about divorce, my only question was "Will you be happier?" If so, then get a divorce. The world won't end. Okay, I am not advocating to get a divorce immediately because I do believe in working hard at a marriage. However, if one or both are unwilling to work things out and there's much unhappiness, it's better to separate before things in the marriage become nastier. I truly believe that if the parents are happier divorcing each other, it will automatically trickle down to the children. Yes, kids always want their parents to stay together even though they know that their parents are wretched together but I think that's part of their immaturity. With dogs, they are happy when their owner is happy. It's so much easier to deal with them during a separation.

Sadly, sometimes unhappiness breeds anger and/or resentment in a marriage. I've seen it with my mom, my sisters, and friends who were married. Why put yourself through that? Life is too short to be harboring so much negativity. "The kids! What about the kids?!!," you say. Well, kids really need to know that, no matter what, you love them, you will be there for them, you will continue to provide guidance, discipline and structure for them. You are still a parent regardless of a separation. That is what my parents figured out on the eve of my sister's wedding which allowed them to put aside their differences and were there for my sisters and I. I cannot recall a time when either of my parents were not there for me in childhood or adulthood.

Love your dog. If you don't have one, adopt or save one. A dog is part of the family, and when a family breaks apart, a dog's life, like a child's, is disrupted from what it knows of its home life. Depending on who gets the dog, that person needs to give the same love, attention, guidance and discipline in order to maintain normalcy for a better transition to a new life. This is what you would do for children of divorced parents as well. Unfortunately, some parents become so engrossed in their own emotional issues they cannot see past them. Consequently, they fail to meet the needs of their child causing more harm in that respect than the divorce itself. Fortunately, children and dogs are resilient. They can adapt to changes with the help of their parents. A family can always be redefined and become "unbroken". It is a matter of making the family a priority.

Thank you for reading my weekly blog. Any comments are welcomed.